My aunt's name translates to 'change'

So sorry about the lack of posts!

Blogging while on an adventure proves to be pretty challenging... There are many moments where I think, 'Ah, this topic would make for a great entry!', but by the time I have access to a computer, my thoughts and feelings have strayed to other corners of my mind and I find myself struggling to write much of anything.

But I'll try and revive some of my previous feelings.
Lately, I've had two main topics on my mind:
How can I change the world? and What does it mean to be American?

I admit that these questions seem cliche, but I think they're still important to ask oneself.  Seeing the dramatically differing lives here in Vietnam has been interesting and thought provoking. I feel so ignorant when I say that I am shocked at all of the things we are shielded from in the United States. My poor upbringing seems extravagantly wealthy in comparison to many here. And though I do love art very much, I have to wonder...  What can artist do to impact and change people? How can I contribute to the world with my craft and passion? (with illustration?) How can I focus on my professional career, find personal fulfilment, and survive independantly financially.... while still affecting the world? I want to succeed as an illustrator but I do not want to live within a tiny secluded bubble.

Earlier this week I was chatting with my Cousin Van and her friend Liang about the freedom of speech and what independence means. We talked about the seperate and joined history of Vietnam and the United States. I told Van I loved three topics in highschool: art, history, and politics. Liang then asked me, 'If you really like talking about history, politics, and government.. why did you choose to study art?'
My initial reaction was, 'Because I really, really love art..!!" and then I followed up with, 'And I want to figure out a way to join together art and politics...to figure out how to change and help people!' They giggled a little and said I was crazy, but I really did mean it! Sometimes I feel that many of my peers and I are so caught up in our professional careers that we forget that we are part of an even larger picture. There are many social, political, and economic issues at home in the states and aboard that I think we should be aware of. If anything, artists especially should be pay attention and saying something. I had a friend once say that artists are the ones who make and record culture. I think when I come home to the states I will try to make an even larger effort to make art with meaning and purpose. Maybe do a mural in Oakland or posters with a message  I care about. Times like these, I wish that Dugald Stermer were still alive. These are the types of questions and the problems I wish I could discuss with him.

(Okay, and I'll try and keep this second part short....)
Now all of this then comes down to...what does it mean to be American? And what responsiblity do we have to other people in the world?
I have been thinking about this a lot and I think....To be American means to have the opportunity to be free in your choices of expression (may it be religious or political).. to be critically thinking (educated).. and to have access to transparent government (to know what our government is doing, why, and channels for change)

Being American does not mean growing up privileged (as in, being wealthy and suceeding your parent's paycheck). Being American does not correlate with what you eat or how you live. Your culture and your identity is what you make of it. Being American means having opportunity--the chance and option to change yourself or situation. My parents are an example of people who are proud and glad to be living in the United States..not because of cars or money,but because of the hope that their children can live happier lives and suceed in what they're most passionate about.

Unfortunently, I say that these are opportunities because I know that we are not a perfect country and there are faults. None of these things are gurantees. There are people, within both minority and majority groups (ethnic and economic) who wish to ignore certain aspects of education or our country. There are things our government and private businesses do that are awful. I am fully aware of the faults on the side of the US: the social injustice, history of class and race tension/struggle, and the exploitation of many outside of the states. But all countrie are flawed. There is no such thing as the perfect society. All people struggle and suffer. We are all sentient being. I think we need to focus on positives and strive to improve all lives--all over the world.

It is interesting that what started out as a trip to learn about my parents escape from Vietnam became more about their history and the lives they once lived here.

Earlier this week, I saw a picture of my mother's older sister for the first time. I knew my whole life that my mother had a sister who passed away in her early 20s due to contaminated water. Seeing a picture suddenly grounded the story and push flesh to words.

There have been may things floating in my head but this is just a bit of what I was thinking.
Anyway, it is time for a nap.
xxxxx

"You are so obviously Hue"

Robert Hunt was right. Piglets are bricks of energy! haha This is at my uncle's boar farm.

Where do I even begin with this post?!

There are so many things running through my mind. I don't even know what sentences to start with. It's just words left and right. Language, landscape, waist line, food, family, HEAT...My mind has been racing since.. since I boarded the plane at SFO. I've been journaling this whole time in various sketchbooks.. and there are loads of details that I'd like to share on this blog, but it'd make the post FAR too long! So I will try and keep things short. Maybe when I return home, I'll try and throw a little party so I can let it all out in one giant ramble haha

I have been going through so, so, SO many different emotions and states of being since I flew in on the 25th (or was it the 26th? I can't even remember!) Traveling here alone with no watch, phone, or computer, I felt like time didn't even exist. All I was consumed by was excitment and nervousness for the full 20 hours of travel. It was lonely at first, but.. In a way. I'm glad I'm doing this alone because I'm fully experiencing this trip instead of checking social media or worrying about money or other things back home. So far, I've been taking in all that this country and my family has to offer. The smells and sounds.. the streets and the beautiful greenery.. reflecting on the lives that exist here in comparison to those in the United States. I've been having dreams about friends and family back home while building new friendships and relationships with those in Vietnam. I tear up some times and get angry and frustrated during others. It has been a whirlwind.

Despite the mess of emotions I've been going through, I'm grateful. I'm extremely lucky to have one side of my family living in the city of Hue and the other living in the countryside of Hue. I chated with other art students at the University of Hue, and saw the countryside trees made famous in American theaters. And I have to make a note, that I'm glad I'm traveling here as an adult instead of as a kid or teenager with my parents. Things are really different when you have freedom and moxie. I also have to remember to not cling too closely to my western inclinations. Seeing poverty here is tragic and enlightening.. (we, in the states, really are so lucky) and I'm trying to soak it all in with no judgements.

My cousins here have been extremely generous and thoughtful. I love em to bits and pieces and they make me miss my siblings. I'm making my way through the language barrier and learning a LOT more vietnamese, which is so great!! There are so many things I've failed to communicate with my parents.. hopefully with the help of my cousins I can lessen the cap between us. Ah, again, there is so much to say but I don't want to run this post too long or go off on too many tangents. Plus, the longer I sit here in front of the computer, the less time I get with family (..and there's a little kid next to me who is really eager to play computer games and wants me to finish up! haha)

I'm glad a student at Hue University said to me, "You're so obviosuly Hue". Apparently I have a thick Hue accent! It was really assuring and shocking at the same time because I've always been self concious of my vietnamese and other viets in America can never understand me. But thats because my dialect is rare, especailly in the states! So my viet isn't bad, it's just different! I really needed that confidence boost. My cousins are also teaching me how to read and write viet, so we'll see how much of a language pro I'll be at the end of my 3 week stay. All in all, Vietnam so far has been wild, fun, heartbreaking, and inspiring all at once. Enjoying it all. 

Sending everyone much love! xoxox

On the way to my cousin's university!

I had to take a picture! Yay!

In a few hours I will be embarking on a journey to Vietnam

25 days and 24 nights

It has been roughly 15 years since I've been back to Vietnam.. 15 years since being on a plane, 15 years since leaving the state of California!

And I'm going all on my own. No cell phone, no computer. 1 sketchbook. (Okay, maybe 3 sketchbooks)

Originally my father was to accompany me so that I could learn about the journey he, his brothers, my mother, and countless other Vietnamese refugees underwent to restart their lives in America. But I think to understand the perspective of my parents--to step on new soil, to face the potential alienation, and to embrace all that is to come-- I have to stand on my own two feet.
I am excited and frightened all at once. There is so much that has yet to hit me, but there is no turning back. The steps to this point have been tumultuous but worthwhile.

It is funny to think that at a certain point in my formative years, I dreamt of erasing my own skin. I wanted to denounce my heritage. There were years of internalized racism, re-enforced by peers who misunderstood culture for the wrong kind of difference. Lower class, south east asian, a little chubby, and female-- I always stuck out and cried out. Thankfully, art became the catalyst for a whirlwind of change and being an adolescent got a little easier.

And oddly enough, I didn't know about my parent's refugee story until I was a senior exiting high school. It took 18 years for me to even ask them about how they got here and why.

Luckily, it has only taken 3 years for me to be able to go to Vietnam and uncover what it was they left. I never thought I would ever be able to afford it. I never thought I'd have the chance to do this. I still can't believe I'm even allowed to do it! This journey will be a melding of two things I hold dearest to me: art and identity. Art is indeed my identity, but I am trying to find a way to embrace every aspect of my individuality.

Though I have since traded in the studded belts for paint brushes, I am still a little DIY punk at heart. But I have learned too that it is okay to compromise if it's for a loved one (in preparation for this trip I had to trade in my feminist disposition for one of formal feminine nature, by way of my mother). I have no complains though, there is still so much learning ahead of me. I know that I will have limited access to internet and will be leaving my phone in the United States, but I made this blog in hopes of keeping those who have supported me connected. Those growing years would have been so different without the many people in my life who helped shape me. Without my high school art teacher and mentor, Michael Doyle, I would have never immersed myself in art, and without Rita Carrasco for introducing me to the book I Love Yous Are For White People by Lac Su, I would have never found the strength to talk to my parents about their legacy. There are so many people out there I am grateful for.

Thank you to the staff and faculty members of Amador Valley High School (seriously, I wouldn't even be in college without the help of 'The Donnies!')

Thank you to the California College of the Arts and their Illustration community. I cannot say it enough. You guys are the bridge! Thank you Randy Chavez, Bob Ciano, Mark Eanes, Justin Gabbard, Linda Grebmeier, John Hersey, Robert Hunt, Chris Koehler, Caitlin Kuhwald, Alexis Mahrus, John Mattos, Adam McCauley, Jean Oppermann, Owen Smith, Barron Storey, and Michael Wertz. With additional thanks to Matt Silady and Justin Hall for giving me the thumbs up since day one. Thank you for being okay with my weirdness haha!

And thank you friends and family. Sending you all much love.